


beautiful collision

by astraluji



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: /claps/, Angst, Drama, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, How Do I Tag This, M/M, Romance, chap 1 oned, chap 2 wooj solo, chap 3 svt, chap 4 bts, chap 5 park hyo shin, i cried over my own fic, its really dramatic, nd what abt it, seokmin is a roommate ok, short jicheol pls forgive me, soonhoon broke up, titles are lyrics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-22
Updated: 2018-11-28
Packaged: 2019-08-06 02:13:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16379453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/astraluji/pseuds/astraluji
Summary: Jihoon and Soonyoung are going through their rough breakup, and it leads them to something unexplainable.





	1. love you goodbye

“Soonyoung” Jihoon says with a flat tone.

 

They were eight steps apart, but it felt like they were spaces and spaces away from each other. Was he not allowed to touch him again? Was he not allowed to hear him again?

His mind still lingering on the argument they had minutes ago, right before the silence that filled the room. With eyes glistening with tears and a harsh lump on his throat, he tried to fight what his heart was wanting to scream or do, for that matter.

_Please come back._

 

_Why did it have to end like this?_

 

_I still love you… so much._

 

_I want to hug you; I miss your lips against mine._

 

_Couldn’t we make this up like the other times?_

 

It felt like there were seven eight nine ten hundred shards of glass stabbed him in the heart. The tranquility surrounding them clouded his mind.  


_Is he going to leave?_

 

_Is he about to take ten eleven twelve thirteen steps away from me and leave without a hush?_

 

_Soonyoung- I-_

  


1

2

3

4 seconds before the silence broke

  


Soonyoung looks at Jihoon through the corner of his eye. “Yeah?”

 

His heart was breaking the same. The argument they had was invalid; it wasn’t even close to an acceptable reason. Although they both knew if they would keep arguing for the whole duration Jihoon and Soonyoung lived together; _maybe they should just- end it?_

 

_I don’t know how it began._

_First, they argued about not having enough time for each other._

_Second, they argued about living far away from each other eventually._

_One thing led to another, and they were on each other’s throats._

 

_You ruined my life, one had muttered._

 

_Why did we try so hard for this to be a relationship, we could have just been best friends, and I wouldn’t have to lose you, the other says as he’s massaging his temple._

  


“Stay tonight? Just tonight, then I can let you go.” Jihoon looks down on his feet, about to take a few more steps away from ~~his~~ Soonyoung.

 

Soonyoung grabs Jihoon’s hand and pulls him closer. Both of their eyes wanting to cry, but scared to let it show. They hug tightly; it was as if they were communicating and telling each other how they felt through the hug.

 

They both wouldn’t just lose a boyfriend; they would lose a best friend.

Soonyoung and Jihoon have been inseparable since sophomore year of high school. They have always been there for each other; through ups and downs.

 

Three years went by a little too fast.

 

“Want to choose our movie for tonight?” Soonyoung taps the remote on Jihoon. He stares at Jihoon. Soonyoung’s temper grew calm and his tone-- caring.

 

“Can we skip watching a movie and just cuddle?” Jihoon whispers looking straight at the television. His voice was softer than when he called Soonyoung's attention a few moments ago. It mimicked the faint sound of the ocean that was about to crash on the shore or a heart about to fall into pieces onto the pit of his stomach.

 

Soonyoung’s arms wrapped around Jihoon’s delicate body for one last time.

 

Holding Jihoon toward his chest felt like the last piece of the puzzle has found its way to its respectful space on the board. The very man in front of him was the missing piece; the one to fill the void, the one to complete the equation.

Tonight is the last time he could hold him close, and it was like holding a vase made out of thin glass, one move and it would shatter.

 

He can feel Jihoon shaking; his tears were cold on Soonyoung’s sweater.

Soonyoung wishes he could throw an hourglass and it would have the ability to stop time so he could live in this moment forever.

 

Jihoon, body tensing with the feeling of uncertainty and his heart beating out of tune as if it was the first time he was this close to Soonyoung. He bites on his lower lip trying to suppress his cries and screws his eyes shut until he is sleeping in Soonyoung’s warm embrace.

 

Soonyoung felt Jihoon’s body relax against his,

 

 _I love you,  goodbye_. He thought as he plants a soft kiss on Jihoon’s head.

  



	2. what kind of future

That Saturday morning smelled like rain.

Jihoon was left on the bed on his own. Soonyoung did not leave any note for Jihoon.

 

_ Oh right. _

 

The scent of wet stone blanketed him. Jihoon sensed that it might have rained earlier. He sat up wondering if the rain knew he was crying; if it was there to keep him company. The sun peeked between the blinds, it was such a shame that he was in deep sleep when it poured. The sound of the pitter-patter brought him a feeling of peace and a certain kind of sadness. He would always say that raindrops hitting the roof could be formed into a beautiful melody.

 

Jihoon stands up and walks over to his piano. It was lightly covered in dust. He hasn’t used it in a while ever since he composed “Simple”. The title of it just slipped out of his mouth one day and left forgotten before he even wrote lyrics to it.

 

The keys he pressed on the piano was like the sky tripping over and spilling musical notes all over the place. He wondered if the clouds above actually did that to create music for the people in a particular area to hear. Humming to the melody he is currently making, he pauses and reaches for his phone. Jihoon hits record.

 

_ This is a sad song. _ He says under his breath.

 

Jihoon’s hand rests on the door of his closet. He looks for something to wear and stumbles upon one of Soonyoung’s sweaters. His eyes freeze at the sight, inch by inch his skin is taut with tension, his heart pounding faster. The article of clothing falling out of his grasp. He tries to breathe slowly, closing his eyes. Jihoon fell onto his knees and grabs the sweater once again; it still carried the scent of Soonyoung’s favorite cologne. He stays like that until he got the strength to go through the rest of his day, hopefully, without thinking of Soonyoung. 

 

Although he knew that would be a lie. His mind was revolving over the thought of Soonyoung; his lips forming a pout whenever he listens to Jihoon ranting, his touch that took away all the stress and pain, his hugs that he wish never ended. 

 

He chooses to wear a red sweater over his black shirt, grabbing his earphones by the television stand and goes out to get coffee.

 

It’s a cold morning. The sun was bright, yet it felt chill like the autumn. Jihoon tucks his hand in the pocket while walking towards his favorite coffee shop. Eyes wandering everywhere,  _ searching searching searching _ . He shakes that thought out of his head as he enters the shop.

 

“I’ll get a hot white chocolate mocha,” he takes his drink with two hands and finds for a table to sit in. Putting out his small notebook and pen from his bag, he begins to start writing lyrics for the melody he created twenty minutes ago.

 

_ Although I hate you, I miss you. _

_ I don’t understand myself as well. _

 

His hand stopping for a brief moment as he tries to listen closer to the piece. 

 

_ Our future that was forgotten at some point _ . Jihoon writes down slowly. Unsure if he should be writing that down; does it sound too upsetting? He continues writing it down, anyway. He wanted to be left unbothered and let all his emotions pour over the paper. 

 

There are over ten thousand feelings of hurt and pain in his chest. Aching for a future he almost had. Desperate to tell Soonyoung to forget what happened and find his way back to him. He still needs his best friend; he needs his number one supporter, the guy who turned his days into the epitome of bliss, the guy who stopped Jihoon’s days into turning into a routine. 

 

The stars really had to misalign that night. 

 

He puts his pen down and takes a sip of his drink. Looking out the window, he watches the wind blow through the trees. He thought that nature might have a way of explaining life itself. Only if one would look deeper into it and understand what it represents. 

 

The wind is carrying the leaves and bringing it somewhere else. For Jihoon it resembled how the course of the present would bring you where you are destined to be in the future. It can also depict the notion of unsaid words travelling and finding its way to who’s supposed to receive them.

 

_ If I said ‘I love you’ to the wind, would it find its way to you? _

_ Or would it flow as individuals, and confuse ‘love’ for another word. _

_ Maybe the wind doesn’t know sentences or phrases; it only knows the simplicity of nouns and verbs. _

 

Jihoons takes the last sip of his drink and heads out the coffee shop. 

 

The outdoors yesterday was filled with so much sunshine.

Inside Jihoon’s house was, well, gloomy. The two fought a lot until they both decided to let go. 

 

It’s going to be dull going home, knowing Soonyoung isn’t on the couch playing games and inviting Jihoon over to sit beside him. It’s going to be dull not having his presence. 

 

As if he was punched in the face by reality, he realized that it was too late to turn back and ask, “ _ Stay with me? _ ” 

 

Jihoon sits in front of his piano, once again. Closing his eyes and nodding, a signal for him to start playing. Concealing all of the excess emotions in his heart, he sings along to the tune. Despite feeling a sharp pang in his chest, he still continues.

 

_ In the end, what kind of future will come to us? _

_ Even if the heavens don’t give us the answer. _

 

Jihoon finishes playing the piece and sits beside the window, opening it halfway. It turned gloomy, and the scent of upturned soil entered his room. 

 

_ What kind of future will I have without you in it, Soonyoung? _

 

_ What kind of future should I look forward to? _

 

Tears well up in Jihoon’s eyes and the rain joined him. 


	3. habit

_If my nightmares are an unimaginable horror, how much more would reality be?_

 

_I still feel his warmth. I still remember his tears damp on my sweater. I still remember the way his body trembled as he cried._

 

_That was six months ago, yet it still feels like it happened yesterday._

_The uncertainty of what tomorrow might hold lingers in my mind._

 

_Would we cross paths again?_

_Would I see him even if it was just a glance?_

_Would the gods above give me another chance to be with Jihoon?_

 

_I can’t seem to wipe away the habit of wanting to call you._

_Even if I try to cover my ears, that won’t change the fact that my heart still screams your name._

~~_Jihoon_ _Jihoon Jihoon Jihoon_~~ _. Followed by phrases “Come back to me” and “You are still the one I love” As if it was a recurring mantra that won’t work._

 

_The ghost of you seems to haunt me._

_In the four corners of my room, I remember the way you smile while swivelling on the chair as we listen to your favorite music. I remember the way you would laugh; it came with an involuntary grip on my arm, and a laugh that sounded like you would run out of breath._

 

_The same four corners had to bear listening to my cries and screams._

_If I could only apologize to an inanimate object, I would have told them how sorry I am they haven’t heard a genuine laugh in a while; and they haven’t been hearing your sweet voice as you sang ‘winter child.’_

 

_I could say that they miss it so much; they miss you so much._

 

_While you… you…_

 

_You are the embodiment of the sunshine; you bring brightness, you give light to my life._

_You are the embodiment of paint, while I’m your canvas; you gave the uniformity of my life an abstract masterpiece. It was the notion of spontaneity that made our days one of a kind._

 

_Twenty-six weeks, one hundred eighty-two days going through a routine._

_Twenty-six weeks, one hundred eighty-two days without Lee Jihoon._

_Twenty-six weeks, one hundred eighty-two days wishing things were different._

 

Soonyoung closes his eyes in hopes of pushing away the memories from the past. It was nearly impossible. He does that every day and nothing progresses. He remembers his favorite traits; Jihoon’s brown eyes that appeared like volcanic jasper, his soft brown hair. Soonyoung is stuck with vivid memories of Jihoon; everything about Jihoon, everything he did with Jihoon, every single word that escaped from Jihoon’s lips.

 

_I like you._

_I love you._

_I had loved you._

 

Jihoon didn’t say the last one, Soonyoung simply assumes that’s what he would say once they see each other.

 

_Every single time my phone rings;_

_I always wish I could hear your voice once again,_

_The stories you tell me on your happiest days,_

_Or your saddest days, even._

 

_Every single time I look beside me;_

_I always wish it is your eyes that I see,_

_Smiling and telling me “it’s going be okay.”_

_“Come here, let me kiss the pain away.”_

 

 

_-_

 

_“It feels like more than a year since we last talked, or met, even,” Soonyoung looks beside him._

 

_Jihoon. Lee Jihoon._

 

_Soonyoung brushes a strand of hair away from Jihoon’s forehead._

 

_“I-I’m sorry,” His hands visibly shaking, eyes avoiding contact. Soonyoung’s breath hitches as he feels a warm hand on his nape._

 

_“Look at me.”_

 

_No. I don’t want to._

 

_Soonyoung stares into Jihoon’s eyes._

 

_I stay still._

_I wonder if that could stop time. I wonder if I would be trapped in this feeling forever._

 

_“I miss you,” Jihoon said with eyes glistening with tears._

 

_The bench is cold. It reaches my spine, and I’m frozen. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what I should say. I don’t know what’s the right thing to say._

 

_“Let’s talk somewhere else.”_

 

_One thousand seven hundred twelve steps to his apartment_

_Three flights of stairs_

_One room that held hundreds of thousands of memories._

 

_There I was again. It feels as if nothing has changed; Jihoon’s piano on the right, pressed against the wall is a bookshelf that carried DVDs and music albums, the picture frame that once held our photo together is now a-- blank space. Nothing has changed... well, except for that one thing._

 

_Soonyoung’s hands close into a fist. He wants to get mad; he wants to scream._

 

_Cold as snow, Jihoon’s hand find its way to Soonyoung’s cheek; thumb caressing it. Staring at the latter’s face; memorizing every little detail he missed seeing._

 

_Lips moving inches to centimeters closer._

 

The bell rang. It was nine in the morning.

The sun shining brightly, the wind whistling sweetly, the birds chirping beautifully.

 

“Soonyoung-ah. It’s late. I made breakfast.”

 

Soonyoung’s mind was clouded; it was filled with the calculation of the probability if he would witness his dream in reality. Every day, Soonyoung had to countdown to ten days hoping he would see his ~~partner~~ again.

 

Ten, the ten-second silence between them when their fingers absentmindedly intertwined during a bus ride. Nine, Jihoon making a list of songs that reminded him of Soonyoung. Eight, eight hours straight of playing video games. Seven, midnight strolls around town. Six, they would count the number of stars in the sky. Five, first serious argument. Four, talking about it through coffee. Three, a hurricane of words and emotions stirs another disagreement. Two, one of them decided to let go. One, one last time they uttered: “I love you.”

 

Soonyoung pulls out the chair and sits. He is faced with a plate of spring onion omelet and a cup of warm coffee.

 

“Have you talked to Jihoon recently?” Soonyoung takes little sips while waiting for a response.

 

Seokmin was Jihoon and Soonyoung’s mutual friend.

 

“He hasn’t asked me about you, Soonyoung” Seokmin tries to avoid Soonyoung’s sad eyes, “Jihoon has been busy. He’s composing songs in his apartment most of the time.”

 

Seokmin hums an oh-so-familiar tune as he pours more coffee into his cup.

 

_Where did I hear that?_

 

 

✧ _Six_ _months ago_

 

_The soft sounds of birds chirping at the break of dawn woke Soonyoung up_.

_His arm still under Jihoon’s body. Jihoon’s snores echoed in the room._

_Soonyoung tries to remove his arm as he needs to leave._

 

_He manages to get up and fixes his sweater. Inspecting his bag in case he might leave something. Walking towards the window; it seemed that it was about to rain. Taking short but persistent glances at Jihoon, who is sleeping soundly, he continues to tiptoe towards him slowly and presses a kiss on his forehead._

 

_Soonyoung heads back home despite the drizzle of the rain. His mind replaying last night and wishing he never said they had to part._

 

_“Jihoon, it was a mistake. I did not mean it like that.”_

 

_Or maybe that would make the situation even worse._

 

_Soonyoung enters his apartment and takes a nap. He didn’t have any plans for that day; his friends were away from the city, anyway._

 

_His dreams weren’t that kind or considerate either. He kept hearing the screams; voices cracking, it was a contest of who can hold their tears the longest. Subconsciously wishing those arguments were merely a nightmare that only felt like reality. Everything that happened that night was a broken record that he couldn't stop from playing. The volume was getting louder every time he tries to shun them away._

 

_Soonyoung goes on a walk outside. It was cold enough to eat his favorite food._

 

_“I’ll have two chicken mushroom ramen.”_

 

_It was perfect for a gloomy day. Soonyoung holds an umbrella in one hand and the paper bag in the other._

 

_Puddles reflected trees or buildings. Winds blowing through leaves making them sway to a rhythm. Soonyoung finds himself by the door of Jihoon’s apartment. He stops as he hears a flowy melody; a relaxing one._

 

_You let go of me as I refused._

_Although I don’t want to see you, I miss you._

 

_Tears are welling up in Soonyoung’s eyes, and streaming down his face. He doesn’t understand it. —Was the song written for him? Does Jihoon mean every word? Does he miss him?— his thoughts piled up, and that is why he was crying. Soonyoung doesn’t know what to do now. After leaving Jihoon, the love of his life, his future seems like a blur._

 

_At that moment, Soonyoung is embraced by the premise that he doesn’t want Jihoon separated from him. He needs his best friend._

 

_Jihoon pauses for a short moment. Soonyoung takes steps further away, down the stairs, and out of the building._

 

_Soonyoung crooned the tune he remembered as he walked back to his apartment._

 

_After a few minutes, the rain started to pour again. He decided to go to back. Soonyoung was barely near his place, so it was alright to walk back. It was a habit at times Soonyoung needed someone. It was a habit to go to Jihoon at a rainy day to watch anime or play video games. Too bad it wasn’t a habit to walk up to Jihoon’s front door and hug him while apologizing in several paragraphs with the repetition of “sorry” in every sentence._

 

_The front of Soonyoung’s shoe hit the door._

_This is one of those moments he feared. When he wouldn’t know how to explain himself, or when he wouldn’t have a proper reason on why he is standing there like a fool._

_He hears footsteps approaching, he takes a step back._

 

_“Soonyoung…” Jihoon stops abruptly and looks at him with disbelief._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> s/o to my cute lil bean and my proclaimed editor @crowchan


	4. crystal snow

It was a typical day on the 21st of November. Soonyoung is woken up by the loud crash from the room upstairs. The gentle rays of the sun spilling through the curtains meet his eyes. The sound of cars honking and birds chirping were masked by the classical music that was playing from the kitchen; another typical morning of Seokmin cooking for the both of them. 

 

Soonyoung lazily got up from bed; lightly rubbing his eyes with his sweater paws. 

He stops in his tracks by the shocked tone in Seokmin’s voice. He didn’t mean to hear anything from the conversation with his friend, but Seokmin probably forgot he was connected to their Bluetooth speaker.

 

“I’ve been dating Jihoon for months now. It took us a while to tell you guys, but now we’re ready to break the news, and-” An unfamiliar deep voice was speaking on the other line.

 

“Okay that’s it, goodbye,” Soonyoung has heard Jihoon’s voice again. It still sounded sweet and delicate. 

 

Soonyoung cracks open the bedroom door and walks to the coffee machine. Pretending he didn’t hear a thing. Telling himself not to tear up, telling himself that it’s going to be okay. 

 

“Good morning, Soonyoung,” Seokmin’s grin was wide enough to hold the whole world between them. He reaches to the speaker and cranks up the volume. The room was filled with nothing but the soothing sound of Minuet in G Major. 

 

Examining the look on Soonyoung’s face, Seokmin’s grin slowly faded. Head tilted like a puppy that heard a strange sound. 

 

Why did Soonyoung look upset?

 

“Soonyoung?,” Soonyoung snapped out of his residing thoughts. 

 

“I’ll be going out today. I think I need some time alone,” Soonyoung letting go of his words even though he knew it was the dumbest excuse.

 

He was off to find Jihoon.

 

Soonyoung slips on his shoes as Seokmin looks at him from head to toe.

 

“You’re going to try and look for Jihoon, aren’t you?,” Soonyoung huffs at Seokmin’s observation.

 

“Absolutely not,” He stands up straightening his sweater as he takes a quick glance in the mirror in front of him.

  
  


Movies and reality don’t have much difference. It can only be distinguished by the unrealistic dramatic effect put into movies to possibly reach the hearts of the viewers. Occurrences in reality are limited to who got to witness it, but the feeling wouldn’t claw you.

 

Two trains move at the opposite direction. Wherever it may go, it holds the unforeseen. The course of events isn’t something predetermined, one step and everything changes for everyone in that particular area. One airport, but many planes depart to different destinations. It was concluding a chapter and moving to the next. You never know when your story would reach the climax, you have to hold on and trust where the wind might bring you.

  
  


_ There is this particular moment I couldn’t stop thinking about. We took a train at 5:40 am to have breakfast. It was like a scene from a movie; watching the snow fall as you rest your head on my shoulder. We got down on the third stop and ran down the stairs with a bet; whoever went down last had to pay for the meal. Reaching the bottom of the staircase at the same time, merely laughing off the fact that we both knew we would pay for our food separately.  _

_ You said my hands felt warm, so you held onto it even tighter. That to your defense, you didn’t do it for the sole purpose of holding my hand in yours but to stop yourself from shivering. Looking at me with that eye smile I couldn’t resist, I let you win the unnecessary argument. _

  
  


“Cham cham cham,” Jihoon loses to his boyfriend, Seungcheol.

 

“Nonsense, Cheol”

 

“How?,” Seungcheol raises his eyebrow as Jihoon stares into Seungcheol’s eyes for a short second before he does his signature eye smile.

 

“Okay, I’m paying.” Seungcheol rolls his eyes as he takes out his wallet and grabs his credit card. “Don’t fall asleep during the movie or else.”

 

“It’s a Marvel movie, how could I?”

  
  


_ You had this tendency of leaning on my shoulder halfway into the movie. I had to check your eyes from time to time because you always fell asleep. We have seen seven films in the theatres and during four of those you dozed to sleep. I didn’t mind; you were up all night making music. I supported that. I support you up until this particular second.  _

  
  


Seungcheol noticed that Jihoon had already fallen asleep. He moves his arm trying to reach Jihoon’s head until the small boy is resting his head on his shoulder. Seungcheol has grown used to this. He held Jihoon so close to him; Seungcheol held Jihoon like he was appointed to carry a vase made of thin glass, and once that breaks he would have to pay a fine. 

 

“The movie already ended, Ji,” Jihoon opens his eyes and sits up straight. “I loved the part when-,” 

 

“Ji, you were sleeping,” Seungcheol cuts him off.

 

“I’m sorry,” Jihoon puts his head down as they walked to the parking lot.

 

Seungcheol gives Jihoon the aux cord. It was his turn to choose the music. 

Jihoon plays some of his compositions that are private on SoundCloud. His eyes are scanning the songs published on his account and stares at a title that caught his eye. It was about Soonyoung. Memories of Soonyoung crosses his mind for a split second. 

  
  


_ I loved how you would walk towards me and cover my camera whenever I took photos of you. Before I even tell you, “you’re my favorite masterpiece,” you already say it in a mocking tone, and I stay quiet. Maybe I said it a lot, but I meant it.  _

_ We loved going to museums. We must have seen the paintings more than eleven times; it kept getting beautiful every time. “Hey, have you seen this before,” as we point on a detail we missed the first two or three times we visited the museum. Your little eye mole was one of our inside jokes; I point to a random part of the painting and when you’re close to the canvas murmuring “where, Soonyoung?,” I point over to your eye mole. You still laughed no matter how many times I did that. _

  
  


“Jihoon! Look,” Seungcheol released the inner child hidden inside the strong facade. 

 

They stared at the same painting Soonyoung loved looking at. “It isn’t much,” Seungcheol scoffs, and grabs Jihoon’s arm.

 

“Bold of you to say.”

 

“Because you’re art yourself. I could spend hours looking at you.”

  
  


_ It’s already late at night, and all I can only think about is you, Lee Jihoon. Do you still remember when we went out, we went out, we went out on the midnight of the first snow? You ordered a caffe americano, and I had a latte macchiato. Sat on a bench in the park, and talked about the probability of us being together in the future. Going back to this specific spot, and reminiscing.  _

  
  


Seungcheol held his hot drink with both hands, Jihoon looked at him and found his action cute. He copied the way Seungcheol held his cup and the endearing look in his eyes. 

 

Seungcheol walks toward an empty bench in the park. Hailing Jihoon to sit beside him, and he complied. 

 

The couple continuously talked about Jihoon’s last year in college and Seungcheol’s current job. Their talk lasted for almost two hours and a half. It was filled with pieces of advice and words of motivation. 

 

Looking at the stars above, Jihoon traced a few as he noticed that he had traced the name of his soulmate. 

 

_ Soonyoung _ . Jihoon shakes his head and faces Seungcheol. With a nervous stance, he managed to kiss Seungcheol on his cheek. 

 

“It’s getting late, Jihoon. I’ll bring you home,” Seungcheol and Jihoon walked side by side as they head back to the car. 

  
  


_ Does he hold you like I used to, or even better? Does he assure you that he’s there to stay with you? Does he wipe your tears and cradles you until you calmed down? Does he cheer you on your brightest of days? I am sure he does that’s why you loved him back. _

  
  


Seungcheol’s left hand was resting on the steering wheel and the other holding Jihoon’s hand dearly. 

 

“This might be out of the blue, but I wanted to tell you that I love you so much,” He breaks the silence between them,

 

“Are you glad we finally got to tell our friends?” His hand was gripping Jihoon’s even tighter. 

 

Jihoon shook Seungcheol’s hand away. 

 

His heart is still screaming the name of his first love; the guy who told Ji it was okay to fall in love with him, the guy who held his hand despite what others might think of them, the guy who embraced all his flaws and not once dared to change him.  _ Kwon Soonyoung.  _

 

“Soonyoung,” Jihoon says under his breath. This stirred anger in Seungcheol. It was unexpected; although he already knew what Soonyoung meant to Jihoon. He knew how much Jihoon still thought of him but continued to brush it away. 

 

This time it was different.

 

“We just broke the news to our friends about us. I waited four months, Jihoon. Four months to tell them. You made it last this long to tell me half-assed that you still love him, and he still crosses your mind? The things we do, does it remind you of him? Does every waking moment need to be associated with him? Do you think you are being reasonable right now, Lee Jihoon?” Seungcheol stops the car. 

 

“Get out of my car,” he says as he reaches across Jihoon and opens the door. “Get off.”

 

Jihoon got off the car as Seungcheol wished and closed the door behind him. Having no more strength to face Seungcheol, he walked away slowly. His tears streamed down his face, sadness took over his body, and he’s shaking. Unfamiliar with the place and nowhere to go, Jihoon continues to walk forward and hope he could find a way back home. The path in front of him is starting to look like a blur. 

  
  


_ I kept thinking of you to the point that I never thought about myself. My own happiness. I was too contained in the thoughts of trying to get you back. Searching crowds wishing you were there. I reach out to the image of you in front of me, and you disappear slipping through my fingers. Someday, we would meet, and I would see your smile; Tell you that I am happy for you, very happy for you. I want to be able to hold you once again as I bid my final goodbye, and walk away before you see my tears, or before I see yours.  _

  
  


It was past midnight. Soonyoung found himself drowning in his thoughts as he walked around the neighborhood. He was preoccupied with the recurring thought of Jihoon with someone else. Jihoon happier without him. Jihoon with a guy who isn’t him. Jihoon is smiling, and the reason isn’t him.

 

Strangely, someone bumped into Soonyoung. It was awfully quiet in that part of the neighborhood at that particular time. He also wasn’t in his right thoughts to even care who it is at that point, but the man had stopped and walked a few steps back. 

 

The dim street light managed to give Soonyoung a view that he missed; Jihoon. 

 

“Hey,” Soonyoung muttered.

 

He could see Jihoon’s tears evidently. He wondered why; Why would Jihoon be walking there late at night? Why would Jihoon be crying? Why w—

 

He is instantaneously reunited with the warmth he had missed. It was the same feeling he felt six months ago. The sentiment he was left with, it was there again; Jihoon’s tears, Jihoon’s tight hug. 

 

How he wished he was witnessing a warm smile from Jihoon, but having him here was enough. Crying or not, he is beyond glad Jihoon was right there in front of him. 

  
  


_ Stay for real now.  _

_ I have changed.  _

_ I won’t hurt you anymore _ .

  
  


“I still love you,” Jihoon says in between his silent cries. Unfortunately, Soonyoung didn’t hear it. 

 

If this were a film, the protagonist would’ve heard every whisper. He would be asking his partner as if he was a stray dog needing some assistance; asking what he needed or why he was there. The film would have pointed out every little detail and narrated about the value of pure luck.

 

Seeing Jihoon again felt as if the worlds conspired to let them meet. It was not a mere coincidence nor the game of luck; it was the act of fate acting upon them. Serendipity was at their doorstep waiting for them to allow it to enter into their lives. It was the stars aligning for only Lee Jihoon and Kwon Soonyoung.

 

It was 1:27 AM. The moon shined down on them, and at that moment, Soonyoung swore he was able to stop the hands of time. 


	5. beautiful tomorrow

_ Jihoon takes a deep breath, “Soonyoung, what are you doing here?” _

_ If Jihoon were going to be straightforward, he would have gone and hugged Soonyoung. He would have let him enter the apartment without any questions. He found a way out of that loophole of in denial thoughts, and showed a side of him Soonyoung never thought he had.  _

 

_ Soonyoung has no words; he doesn’t have an excuse to be standing there a day after a heated argument, a day after their breakup. “Sorry, I heard your music from miles away and it brought me to you.” “Sorry, I had a sudden instinct that I needed to be here” “Sorry, I forgot this isn’t the direction to my apartment.”  _

 

_ This wasn’t the situation he pictured in his mind; he hoped for Jihoon to be welcoming. Better yet, Soonyoung throwing all his pride away and ask for another chance over another previous chance given by Jihoon for them to make things right. If there’s something to blame, he blames his Timberlands for hitting the door. He blames his habit of finding himself at Jihoon’s place when he needed someone the most.  _

 

_ The serene sound of tranquility surrounded Jihoon and Soonyoung. No one wanted to utter a single word. Jihoon tapping his shoes lightly as he waits for a response. Soonyoung’s eyes are looking around yet avoiding Jihoon from entering his view. The both of them looking around trying to avoid eye contact; eyes speak for someone when they don’t know how they’re going to put their feelings into words. Both of them scared that they might give in to the sad eyes of the other. _

 

_ A different atmosphere was present at that moment; it was odd in itself, it was like meeting someone for the first time and suddenly being partnered up with them. It was the fear of starting a conversation; fear of saying the wrong words, fear of embarrassing oneself, fear of starting a mess.  _

 

_ Not to get the wrong notion, both of them had a mutual breakup. It was the need of having to be apart that made it difficult. Soonyoung and Jihoon were nearly inseparable ever since they’ve called each other best friends. Always running back to each other’s arms when they needed someone, or when they needed comfort. _

 

_ There’s a sense of bitterness; the feeling of not wanting to know what the other would say, the feeling of wanting to roll their eyes from the other’s response, the grudge they held steadfastly; containing the fire within themselves before they could cause it to grow even more. They stand there; bodies growing tense, and muscles about to freeze. _

 

_ “Jihoon,” Soonyoung cannot find the right words to say. Calling Jihoon’s name for the intention of breaking the ice. They’re both frozen; they’ve grown cold toward each other after a day. They’ve told themselves countless times in eleven hours to not interact with the other if they happen to cross paths. They’ve learned to keep their distance, more so— they thought.  _

_ Jihoon’s arms wrap around Soonyoung. Looking up at Soonyoung’s face with the hint of worry. Soonyoung stood there quietly; limbs not remembering how to hug back.  _

 

_ Jihoon put aside the pain he feels; wanting to give Soonyoung another chance to correct things between them, this time they would work together. They would work together to become a better version of themselves that would contribute to the well-being of their relationship. Their relationship has been on and off for twelve times already; that could have been the warning sign that maybe they’re not supposed to be together. They’re like fire and gasoline, they combust at the worst possible moments. A small fire lit up turns into something  _ _ unextinguishable.  _

 

_ “I don’t know what to do without you, Soonyoung,” The smaller boy whispered. “If you don’t want this anymore, I would understand.” Jihoon spoke with all sincerity; with all the value of honesty and the value of understanding he could muster from where he is standing right now. _

 

_ Jihoon’s eyes well up with tears. He was filled with emotions after composing his song, after writing a song dedicated to Soonyoung. A song that’s talking about his mixed feelings; he hates the mere fact that they always have a petty argument, but besides that, he still wants to be around Soonyoung; feeling his presence, his warmth. A song that’s talking about wanting to go back in time; if time could be reversed, would he still be able to let Soonyoung out of his grip? Would he even bare a moment without Soonyoung?  _

 

_ “We could celebrate my birthday this year,” Jihoon once again looked up at Soonyoung, and the latter finally hugged him back. “Remember the place when we had our first snow,” Soonyoung nods in agreement. “Past midnight like always.” _

 

_ “I hope I remember.” _

  
  


There’s a reason Soonyoung went out tonight. He wanted to find Jihoon. Wanting to say goodbye and put all his feelings out there. To be able to put down the weight he has been carrying heavily in his chest. Perhaps, tell Jihoon that no matter how distant they are right now, he will always be deemed Soonyoung’s soulmate.  _ Soulmates don’t end up together most of the time _ , Soonyoung thought to himself. Not even the waves crashing on the shore can erase the fact that Jihoon has a special place in his heart. Nobody else can take that place. 

 

Divine providence was responsible for the course of events; for dragging Soonyoung to stay out of the house until past midnight without a clear plan in mind. He didn’t even know where in the world he would be looking for Jihoon; he could have given up after three or four hours. An unexplainable force showed him a path, and he took it. It took him to Jihoon. 

 

_ You are here right now in front of me.  _

_ You are here right now because we trusted the winds. _

_ You are here right now because I never gave up on you.  _

_ You are here, Lee Jihoon.  _

_ You are here because we are destined; I wouldn’t want it any other way.  _

 

Soonyoung is enclosed in Jihoon’s soft embrace. Suddenly recalling Jihoon’s words months ago, he looks down at Jihoon, lifting his chin. 

 

“Did you remember all of this?”

 

Jihoon looked up at Soonyoung. Escaping from their bear hug, looking down on his phone. Soonyoung is dumbfounded by seeing that Jihoon had that day marked on his calendar. Jihoon had told Soonyoung that he didn’t remember about the place, but he was glad they found each other. 

 

No one can tell how, or why they were given this uncertainty. Soonyoung and Jihoon are just thankful; no questions asked. If you listen carefully, you can hear the sound of the angels as they sing about serendipity while the moon hums along to the lovely tune - the stars looking beside each other from the line they formed; giggling at their makeshift drama at past midnight.

 

Soonyoung sighed in relief knowing that he doesn’t need to go to different places trying to find Jihoon.

 

_ With you right here, I have nothing more to ask. _

_ With you right here, I’m alright. _

 

Unconsciously, their fingers intertwined as they walked around the neighborhood. They missed this; they missed each other’s company. Nothing beats their late night coffee shop adventures that often led to breakfast at the break of dawn. Spontaneous dates revolved around their relationship and made it unique; it made it theirs. Theirs to talk about, to appreciate, to treasure. 

 

Soonyoung and Jihoon’s encounter is only the beginning. A new beginning for both of them; catching up on the things they have experienced while the other wasn’t by their side, bringing the other to places they haven’t been to before. It was like they were starting from square one, but going back to square one doesn’t matter at this point. 

 

What mattered to both Soonyoung and Jihoon is being in each other’s arms once again.

  
  
_ Sweet, sweet serendipity _ .


End file.
